Octopussy

People often say 'octopuses'.

These days, we always seem to be arguing over whether the pluralised version of octopus is octopuses, octopi or octopodes. Everybody's doing it. 'Octopi' they say, 'Octopoids' someone else will counter.

One way or another we just cannot get enough of our cephalopod masters. So, here is a list of facts about octopuses:

1. Octopi are highly intelligent creatures.

2. The average octopoid is capable of jet propulsion. A slightly less average octopoid could probably drive a Formula One car.

4. Octopi squirt ink to defend themselves. They tend to use the most expensive of fountain pen inks but an octopus once stabbed me with a biro.

5. If an octopus lived on land, grew to the size of the Empire State Building and was a mammal; then it would be the largest land mammal by quite some way.

6. Famous octopuses include Octopus Vulgaris (the Common Octopus), Octopussy from James Bond and David Cameron.

7. An octopus has three hearts. They use one to pump blood, one for scaring nosy children and the other is to decorate their mantelpiece.

8. Octopoid bones are made out of an invisible jelly that doesn't exist!

9. Most octopi are fitted with a turbofan jet engine as standard. The go faster stripes are an optional extra. Call Bob's Octopoids on 01751 751 751 to get a quote for the latest model octopuses today!

10. They are a maximum of nine facts that any one person can know about octopuses at any one time. You've probably forgotten what fact three was already.