People often say 'octopuses'.
These days, we always seem to be arguing over whether the pluralised version of octopus is octopuses, octopi or octopodes. Everybody's doing it. 'Octopi' they say, 'Octopoids' someone else will counter.
One way or another we just cannot get enough of our cephalopod masters. So, here is a list of facts about octopuses:
1. Octopi are highly intelligent creatures.
2. The average octopoid is capable of jet propulsion. A slightly less average octopoid could probably drive a Formula One car.
4. Octopi squirt ink to defend themselves. They tend to use the most expensive of fountain pen inks but an octopus once stabbed me with a biro.
5. If an octopus lived on land, grew to the size of the Empire State Building and was a mammal; then it would be the largest land mammal by quite some way.
6. Famous octopuses include Octopus Vulgaris (the Common Octopus), Octopussy from James Bond and David Cameron.
7. An octopus has three hearts. They use one to pump blood, one for scaring nosy children and the other is to decorate their mantelpiece.
8. Octopoid bones are made out of an invisible jelly that doesn't exist!
9. Most octopi are fitted with a turbofan jet engine as standard. The go faster stripes are an optional extra. Call Bob's Octopoids on 01751 751 751 to get a quote for the latest model octopuses today!
10. They are a maximum of nine facts that any one person can know about octopuses at any one time. You've probably forgotten what fact three was already.
Thursday, 17 September 2009
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
The 'Beef?' Game - Rules
Strangers often ask me 'Oi you! How would one play Beef?' and the subject of 'Beef?' often seems to come up as a topic of conversation. The World is a curious place and I'd like to make it slightly less curiouser. So to put everyone in the entire Worlds' mind at rest; I've decided to finally publish the rules of the Beef? Game:
Rule 1: Think of a question. The question picked is called the Beef.
Rule 2: Think of an answer to that same question. It doesn't have to be correct. The answer is the Unbeef.
Rule 3: Change the wording of the Beef to the question 'Beef?'
Rule 4: Find a person, you don't necessarily need to have met them before.
Rule 5: Ask them the Beef 'Beef?' - the person asking the question is the Beefer and the person asked is the Beefeé.
Rule 6: The Beefeé now has only two choices - to attempt to Unbeef the Beefer's Beef or to counterbeef the Beefer's Beef
Rule 7A: If the Beefeé decides to attempt to Unbeef the Beefer's Beef, they must successfully Unbeefer the Beef without ever knowing what the Beef is.
Rule 8A: The Beefer must respond to anything said by the Beefeé that is not the Unbeef to the Beef by asking once again the Beef 'Beef?'. Repeating the Beef in this way is known as the Rebeef.
Rule 9A: If at no point the Beefeé decides to counterbeef the Beef, the game shall continue until the Beefeé has successfully guessed the Unbeef to the Beef.
Rule 7B: At any time in the game the Beefeé may decide to counterbeef the Beefer's Beef by asking their own Beef. This is done by guessing the Unbeef to be 'Beef?', having previously decided upon their own Beef and Unbeef.
Rule 8B: The Beefer now has two choices. To attempt to Unbeef the Beefeé's Beef or Rebeef the Beefeé.
8BA: If the Beefer decides to attempt to Unbeef the Beefeé's Beef then this is the Swapbeef; after the Swapbeef the Beefer has become the Beefeé and the Beefeé, Beefer. The game continues and the rules are observed as if the Beefeé has always been a Beefer.
8BB: If the Beefer decides to Rebeef at the counterbeef, the Beefeé and Beefer enter into a Beef Off situation. During the Beef Off both the Beefer and the Beefeé are both Beefer and Beefeé.
All of the rules now apply both to the Beefer Beefeé and the Beefeé Beefer.
9: The game cannot end until at least one Beef has been successfully Unbeefed. The Beefeé who Unbeefs the Beef is the Unbeefer and the Beefer whose Beef got Unbeefed is the Unbeefered. Unbeefer beats Unbeefered.
10: Any given Beefer may change their Beef and/ or Unbeef at any time.
11: During a Beef Off situation, should any given Beefer wish to force an end to the game, they may change their Unbeef to be the question 'Beef?'. This way when the other Beefer rebeefs the Beefeé, they Unbeef the other Beefer's Beef with 'Beef?'. This is known as the Killbeef. The Beefer who Killbeefs is the Unbeefered as they allow their Beef to be Unbeefed.
The best way to become the champion at the 'Beef?' game is be resolutely stubborn in the face of Beef. Have a care though, I have heard tale of two old men in Germany, who became locked in a Beef Off situation until they both died of starvation.
Rule 1: Think of a question. The question picked is called the Beef.
Rule 2: Think of an answer to that same question. It doesn't have to be correct. The answer is the Unbeef.
Rule 3: Change the wording of the Beef to the question 'Beef?'
Rule 4: Find a person, you don't necessarily need to have met them before.
Rule 5: Ask them the Beef 'Beef?' - the person asking the question is the Beefer and the person asked is the Beefeé.
Rule 6: The Beefeé now has only two choices - to attempt to Unbeef the Beefer's Beef or to counterbeef the Beefer's Beef
Rule 7A: If the Beefeé decides to attempt to Unbeef the Beefer's Beef, they must successfully Unbeefer the Beef without ever knowing what the Beef is.
Rule 8A: The Beefer must respond to anything said by the Beefeé that is not the Unbeef to the Beef by asking once again the Beef 'Beef?'. Repeating the Beef in this way is known as the Rebeef.
Rule 9A: If at no point the Beefeé decides to counterbeef the Beef, the game shall continue until the Beefeé has successfully guessed the Unbeef to the Beef.
Rule 7B: At any time in the game the Beefeé may decide to counterbeef the Beefer's Beef by asking their own Beef. This is done by guessing the Unbeef to be 'Beef?', having previously decided upon their own Beef and Unbeef.
Rule 8B: The Beefer now has two choices. To attempt to Unbeef the Beefeé's Beef or Rebeef the Beefeé.
8BA: If the Beefer decides to attempt to Unbeef the Beefeé's Beef then this is the Swapbeef; after the Swapbeef the Beefer has become the Beefeé and the Beefeé, Beefer. The game continues and the rules are observed as if the Beefeé has always been a Beefer.
8BB: If the Beefer decides to Rebeef at the counterbeef, the Beefeé and Beefer enter into a Beef Off situation. During the Beef Off both the Beefer and the Beefeé are both Beefer and Beefeé.
All of the rules now apply both to the Beefer Beefeé and the Beefeé Beefer.
9: The game cannot end until at least one Beef has been successfully Unbeefed. The Beefeé who Unbeefs the Beef is the Unbeefer and the Beefer whose Beef got Unbeefed is the Unbeefered. Unbeefer beats Unbeefered.
10: Any given Beefer may change their Beef and/ or Unbeef at any time.
11: During a Beef Off situation, should any given Beefer wish to force an end to the game, they may change their Unbeef to be the question 'Beef?'. This way when the other Beefer rebeefs the Beefeé, they Unbeef the other Beefer's Beef with 'Beef?'. This is known as the Killbeef. The Beefer who Killbeefs is the Unbeefered as they allow their Beef to be Unbeefed.
The best way to become the champion at the 'Beef?' game is be resolutely stubborn in the face of Beef. Have a care though, I have heard tale of two old men in Germany, who became locked in a Beef Off situation until they both died of starvation.
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